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 Perfection 
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Hamstermaster

Joined: Fri Apr 16, 2004 11:37 am
Posts: 27
Location: Middle of Nowhere New Jersey
Post Perfection
Well here I am once again in another (probably) poor attempt to make myself less
of a lurker. Tonight, or this morning, I bring you a tale for your consideration.
Any C&C is welcome especially concerning grammar. any questions will be answered ASAP.
I consider this story PG13 for violence and language.

Anyway, this is an experimental piece for me. I wanted to see if I could write based
around a theme. Keep in mind that the vagueness is intentional as is the repetition.

--------------------

Perfection

May 10th, 2025 ? 2:00 P.M.

I remember the day I first recognized the world. I stepped from my tube naked
and dripping, to stand in front of many men. The men in white stood close to me
and two of them dried me before a third dressed me in a brown jumpsuit in the style
of the men by the door. Men who held oddly shaped devices in hand. A short distance
away sat a group of older men in drab formal cloths adorned with rainbow finery. They listened
raptly to another in white who extolled my virtues. They smiled at me in an odd way
as he spoke, and it wasn't until later that I understood what that oddness was; Greed.
I was power for them and the man in white told them so. He said I was smarter, faster, and stronger.
Perfection.

***

March 20th, 2051 ? 10:20 P.M.

They had been stalking me for the last ten hours and I had thought I had thrown them
off several blocks back. So I had gone home. Their strike had been silent and quick,
almost perfect. Thankfully my reflexes were quicker. That initial encounter had lasted
thirty seconds and was quite messy. I had landed crippling blows on four
of my ten opponents while I had taken some minor scratches and a normally fatal wound
that would leave me fighting southpaw style for the next few minutes. That was the good news.

One of the assailants had been smashed into the far wall, leaving a gaping hole to the next room.
There were people in there. The four I had crippled had partially recovered and were starting to stand.
That meant they had nano-repair systems and could heal much faster then me. It also meant that if
I wanted to stop them I would have to kill them.
I hated killing.

***

June 21th, 2041- 12:42 A.M.

I stood silently over the cooling body. It laid there a look of pure joy as gore leaked from the
shattered skull. Sergeant Durgen stood off to the side, gun lowered and smiling the huge horrible
grin I had come to hate. I shook in anger as I glared at the man.

A month and a half ago I was placed in the dubious care of Sergeant Durgen for special training.
I had thought that my "training" had been going well, everything they thought I needed to
know had been implanted in my brain at my creation when it had grown enough. All I needed was to get some
practice with the actual equipment and let my instincts do the rest. When I pressed the
scientists for answers they said that I had developed several "irritating" traits and the Sergeant
would remove them. I had no idea what they meant at the time, I had thought I was acting like a perfectly normal human.

From the moment I saw him I knew the Sergeant would be trouble. He looked like someone had
taken a bulldog, given it a human body, then repeatedly beat upon his head with a spiked bat.
He was always smiling, this insanely wide greasy grin that made you feel dirty even if he was
in another room. He proved to be even more sadistic than he looked.

Each week at six A.M. Sunday he would give me a series of tasks that I would have to complete
by five A.M. the following Sunday. Victory earned me one hot meal. Failure brought a savage
beating. During these "Missions" he would throw everything he could at me in an attempt to stop
me. He was proving exceptionally good at it. The bruises on my back
had not fully healed even with my recuperative abilities.

This week?s mission had been stealth which was a specialty of mine. I had managed to sneak
into the prime objective, a two story house, without running into the Sergeant's toys this time.
All I had to do was infiltrate the perimeter and eliminate the three defenders. I had found them
in the basement which they had barricaded themselves in. I had snuck in via the air conditioning
vent they had mistakenly thought too small for a person to fit through.

The Sergeant was rather fond of throwing robots made up to look like human soldiers at me and
with all the gear those three wore I couldn't tell the difference. I got behind them no problem. The
first fell to a snapped neck, the quick twisting motion would yank several important wires out of their
slots in a robot. I had pulled a knife and had gone, again for the neck, of the second man when the
third noticed me. I was lucky; he panicked and dropped his weapon. I was too busy staring at the
massive amounts of blood pouring for the neck of the man I had just killed. My body went numb and
the corpse fell to the floor, knife still in its neck. It hit me then that this was what I was made for. I had
known that I was trained for this but I had never really expected them to actually want me kill
someone. My stomach was turning knots and had it not been for the fact that my stomach was mostly
empty I would have hurled then and there. As it was I was distracted by a loud thunk.

The last man had taken a step back in his panic and tripped over the first dead man's foot and fallen
against the wall. His helmet had been knocked askew and he hurriedly tried to pry it off. He did finally
manage it and looked at me in horror as he started begging for his life. I put my hands up and tried to
sound reassuring, but I was failing miserably. I was barely able to keep my legs form giving out myself.

"Hey, hey I... I'm not going to ki... hurt you. I ... I think there's been some sort of horrible mistake!"

He did calm down I think he realized I was just as freaked out. He even smiled a bit, but then the side
of his head exploded.

"Jesus, you are something" Durgen drawled.

"Why?!"

"Because you didn't."

He threw the gun down and walked toward the staircase. He ducked under them and made for a door that hadn't
been there when I entered.

"I didn't want to! And I'm not going to ever again!"

Durgen paused, and then he started to shake violently, emitting a gravely rasp that passed for a laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHA! OH GOD! HAHA! You say that like you actually have a choice!"

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"I mean that all tools have their purpose and yours is on the battlefield. Just what the hell did you think the
Gilgamesh Project was Enkidu? You're our perfect little killing machine. Now get back to Headquarters before an hour
is up and be prepared for the consequences of your failure. "

He turned and left, and I stood there amidst the gore staring at the door the Sergeant had gone through.

"I am not a weapon..."
My creators wanted me to kill. They wanted to make profit off the lives of others and they were going to use me
to do it. The convenient tool, the unquestioning machine, I vowed then and there that I would not attain that Perfection.

***

March 20th, 2051 ? 10:22 P.M.

The LYC-473 "CyberWolf" is the latest in autonomous warfare. Able to walk on two legs or four with a manual
dexterity exceeding that of a human. Retractable claws on metal arms and legs provide the exceptional mobility
and primary weapons. A computerized central nervous system allowing for incredibly fast thought process and
a Nano-Silo granting near instantaneous repairs. The perfect little killing machines. All in a package a little larger that the average
grey wolf. Ten of which are standing between me and my weapons.

Luckily I had one small advantage. The computer systems that run the wolves are things of logic. As
such they have to process things in a pre-defined order. It takes them .0235 seconds to determine a course of
action and execute it. More than enough time for me to act, if I rely on my instincts.

Two lunge, one high, one low from both sides, while I dive forward and into the waiting claws of a third. I fall
short and roll under its corrected swing losing a piece of my shirt in the process. On my feet now and halfway
there, my good arm alters the momentum of a strike to my back blocking another set of claws coming from in
front of me and locking them together. A pivot to the left and a swift side kick keeps my head from being perforated
and throws the lightweight creature into the thickest group. A quick tumble underneath the locked claws nets me a
shallow cut on my leg but lets me clear the distance to my swords.

The short blades of my twin wakizashi were done in the wariba-gitae style to capitalize on my greatest asset; speed.
The cutting edge was impeccable and would sever almost anything, but the rest of the blade proved too fragile
for defense even though they were made from specialized alloys. My right arm was only beginning to regain feeling
and was barely able to maintain a grip. Defense was not an option, attacking was the only chance for the survival
of myself and those in the other room. I switched the right hand blade to an underhand grip and advanced on the
few that had remained standing. I spun quickly as I closed on them, the form I would use would leave me open but
allow me to use the momentum to strike with my right arm. It is called The Perfect Circle

***

September 9th, 2041 ? 6:23 A.M.

Dim emergency lights cast light shadows that provided me with more then adequate concealment from the
periodic group who rushed to deal with my little distraction. It had taken three months of planning and all of
my espionage abilities but I would make sure of my escape. I had planted a virus that infiltrated several
systems with a direct connection to the power systems. It had shut off the entire energy regulation
systems before initiating a massive multi-point power drain which would short out the primary systems. When
the backup systems took over the virus would spread to the security systems and hinder the movements of repair
and security crews.

By that time I had finished up on the first stop on my planned route and was a few corridors away from my last
stop before freedom. As I had hacked the primary computer systems to determine the best route I came to the
decision that I would do my level best to prevent the repetition of my fatefully that end, my virus would destroy the
data, and I would destroy the equipment.

As part of my training I had ready access to an armory, and in that armory were demolition charges. My first stop
had been the room I had been born in, and as the explosion rocked the complex and the sirens started I stepped
into the room of my successors.

"I really didn't think you had it in you."

"Well I guess you don't know me very well at all Durgen."

He brought his gun up, and my foot met his hand. His knife came for my neck and my knife intercepted.

***

March 20th, 2051 ? 10:25 P.M.

My foot met its head, and my blade went for its neck. The seventh wolf fell as I twisted to its partner. My sword
lashed out and it's claws intercepted. The blade cracked then screamed as I forced it along the razor claws and into the
wolfs cranium. The last two charged then, and I released the cracked blade and used it to control my remaining
sword as I twisted in one last perfect circle.

The circle complete and two wolves impaled on my sword. I let it drop and limped to the wall. My shoulder was starting to throb
and I tried to straighten my hand. I looked over my handiwork and sighed. My stomach was clenching up again,
as usually happens after I am able to let myself comprehend my actions. I have killed so many since I escaped
yet ever more come, and for what purpose? They've already created things more lethal and efficient then I could ever
hope to be. And it's not like I could pose a threat to their power, not alone anyway. There I go again trying to analyze
my tormentors when I have more important things to do.

When I escaped all those long years ago it came as no shock to me that they were making another like me and that
they were trying to ferret out the reasons why I turned out to be a "Failure". What they were going to do to that child
was monstrous and I could not let it happen. Durgen tried to stop me and I killed him. I knew from that moment that
I would not be able to live that peaceful life I craved for a long time to come. But I think my choice was worth it.

It is my hope that I will be able to stop killing, and give myself and my charge a normal life. As I enter the darkened
room on the other side of the hole my eyes alight on the tiny bed and the young girl laying there clutching her teddy bear.

"Big Brother?"

"Everything is ok Anna. But it looks like we will have to move again."

She smiles at me sweetly and there is no longer any doubt in my mind, I will do what I must. After all, who would not protect such Perfection?

_________________
* * * * * * * * * * *

Here I sit.
Same as ever.
Slowly rotating,
Now and forever.


Sat Oct 15, 2005 3:21 am
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Post 
:D Bravo. VERY nice.

Comments/suggestions: The time-line is good. Excellent mention of technology. The wolves are particularly well described and I enjoyed the mental images of the battle quite nicely. ^_^

Improvements, perhapse define the "wariba-gitae style" of the swords for those less versed. Also, Durgen is very excellent, and I would almost say you could aford a bit more time in describing him and how horrible he is. We get a vauge outline of him at first, and further mentionings of his cruel nature later on, but as he's the main villan so far, more = better so long as you don't go too far.

Oh, and describing Anna / the 'Normal life' room a bit more would be good, but not too necessary if you intent on a Part 2 or a follow up.

Overall: A very enjoyable quick read. Coherrent and clear, with sci-fi goodness and you did very well with a very common situation in the genre. The characters all have excellent potential. I like it so far, and am looking forward to more!

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Christopher Fiss
W.A.R. SysOp


Sat Oct 15, 2005 2:58 pm
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Hamstermaster

Joined: Fri Apr 16, 2004 11:37 am
Posts: 27
Location: Middle of Nowhere New Jersey
Post 
Thank you for taking the time to review my story.

Quote:
Comments/suggestions: The time-line is good. Excellent mention of technology. The wolves
are particularly well described and I enjoyed the mental images of the battle quite nicely. ^_^


Personally, I felt the time-line was a bit weak. I was having a hard time finding a good time frame
to balance the tech advancements and the characters ages. I was rather concerned that I had been
too intrusive, and I am glad that this does not seem to be the case. The combat scenes were my biggest
worry, as they are not my strong point. I am rather happy to see that I have improved in this area.

Quote:
Improvements, perhapse define the "wariba-gitae style" of the swords for those less versed.
Also, Durgen is very excellent, and I would almost say you could aford a bit more time in describing
him and how horrible he is. We get a vauge outline of him at first, and further mentionings
of his cruel nature later on, but as he's the main villan so far, more = better so long as you don't go too far.

Oh, and describing Anna / the 'Normal life' room a bit more would be good, but not too necessary
if you intent on a Part 2 or a follow up.


Oh yes, this was something I wasn't too happy about either. Honestly, I wrote this with the intent to send
it to a local writing contest, and unfortunately they have a rather severe limit on page count for short stories.
Durgen and Anna suffered the most from my editing and rewriting. Also I have to say I'm rather embarrassed
about the whole "wariba-gitae" thing. It's an obscure little tidbit that sounded cool and shortened my description
of his weapons. :oops:

I do eventually plan on fixing up and stretching this out. It is going to be awhile in coming though, I've got a few
ideas for this but nothing concrete, and I need to find a better translation of the Epic of Gilgamesh then what's
available from work.

_________________
* * * * * * * * * * *

Here I sit.
Same as ever.
Slowly rotating,
Now and forever.


Sun Oct 16, 2005 5:14 am
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Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2004 7:56 pm
Posts: 3479
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Post 
The timeline gives the reader a sense of 'random moments in this character's life', but doesn't really lend to anything solid. I agree that there may be some room for improvement there. Consider a non-date/time, maybe? Like "3rd year of project" or "Month 9" something like that. Focusing the reader's attention on how all-consuming the Project Gilgamesh is for the subject. But the current timeline layout works regardless, so I'd say it's something you can play with at your leisure.

Describing the wakizashis like you did is also do-able, but I think it's important to use the phrase "short swords" later on as you describe the battle. NOT having the phrase is a loss. I love stories that teach me a new word or a new term without seeming like a text book. It's just necessary to define it a bit better in passing.

_________________

Christopher Fiss
W.A.R. SysOp


Sun Oct 16, 2005 8:18 am
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