Surviving the Estrogen Jungle: The Man's Guide to the Female Psyche.
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Rule One:
There is no Rule One.
I seriously considered this question. It's the natural impulse: simplify it down to one all-encompassing edict and branch from there. Like "Do No Harm." Of course, good old DNH has served me pretty well. But with the "fairer sex," it's not quite that simple.
Those of you who took any physics classes in school may recall the difference between Newtonian physics and Modern physics. Essentially, what happened is that Newton, using the tools of the time, figured out how to predict physical reactions based on a series of simple, concrete calculations. Then along come people like Heisenburg who turn all that upside down and proclaim that things just aren't that simple. Of course, it's all very complicated. For instance, you can't know exactly where an electron will be, the point in space at which it exists. There's actually more of a fuzzy cloud that gives you an idea of where it might be. But in high school, we still teach Newton's formulae, because they're simpler and, for the most part, they work. Trust me, I'm going somewhere with this.
The understanding I have of Women is somewhat akin to an electron, whizzing around the core of your mind. There is a kernel of data that I can't simplify, a feeling of what women are and how to live with them. What I'm going to do now, rather than give you a flawed Newtonian version of it and laughing as your girlfriends all dump you for trying to calculate their anger-to-animosity quotient, is give you as much of my understanding as I can, and let you make your own rules based on my feeling for it.
Ready to venture into the world of my upbringing? Well then please, get yourself a nice cold drink and read on. Oh, and make it ice water. Trust me, ice water is great for reading.
I know what you're thinking. "This guy sure is full of himself! What makes this jerk qualified to tell ME how to deal with women?" Well, I'll tell you, you terrible little worm-baby. When I was very young, I didn't really know my father. I don't hold it against him. His part of our lives was bread-winning. He worked hard, and then came home to watch hockey and smoke and play solitaire and drink Extra Old Stock (very bitter beer). That's most of what I remember. There were some great times, like when we built my rabbit hutch together, but for the most part he just didn't know how to deal with kids. Apparently he had planned to be closer when we got a little older and could relate more. When I finished the 5th grade, my parents got divorced. They'd been keeping it together for our sake the last few months, I expect; they knew how much we hated moving, especially during the school year.
In the settlement, my mother gained my primary custody. My sister chose to stay behind, but after a year or two, she joined us. So, brief stepfather aside, I spent my years from pre-pubescence on up surrounded by women. We sometimes rented a room out, usually to a woman. I had female friends, and I would be around when my mother or sister had friends over. I had to learn to survive in this testosterone-free environment. Heck, my first job happened because my mother wanted me to have some male influence in my life and she heard about a couple cool guys who were running a computer store downtown.
One of the toughest things about living with or around women is knowing when not to ask. For instance, once a month the poor creatures go through a messy, often painful bodily process. This isn't something they're often comfortable discussing with the men in their lives. If you ask a woman what's bothering her, and she replies, "girl stuff," DO NOT press for details. Trust me, you're better off not knowing. Instead, follow my example. "Oh... anything I can get for you? No? Well, just let me know if there is. I'll try to keep the music down."
I know, again, what you're thinking. "So the key to surviving women is to be whipped." NO! But remember that in this particular situation, she is going through this unfathomable thing (even if you think you know what it's like, you really really don't, guys) and she really can't do anything about it. If you give a damn about her (and you must if you're reading this), you'll try to make her a little comfortable; help rather than hinder her day. Trust me, when you slip and hang your crotch on a fence or something, she'll remember and be the first to bring you a bag of ice.
Which brings me to my next point. Co-operation. You're not at war. You're probably family. Work together! If she's having trouble doing something, lend a hand. She'll probably remember and return the favor, or at the very least make it easier to live around her. If you're a jerk all the time, she won't care how you feel, and next thing you know you're sharing a bedroom wall with a 10-inch subwoofer that loops "Barbie Girl" for 16 hours a day.
So you're living with two or even three women now... is it all give on the male end? Ha ha ha, you stupid, stupid worm, no, no it isn't. Here's where you take a little something back. When they're painting the walls pink to cover the estrogen-stains, declare your room a testorserzone. That is, make it known in no uncertain terms that you intend to keep a pig sty with girlie posters on the walls (or whatever your taste) and that they are under no circumstances to enter when you are out, ESPECIALLY if they intend to "tidy up."
It doesn't end there, either. You can squeeze your influence into the rest of the house pretty easily. A lot of women like to have pink or beige rooms, or use pastels. In fact, lots of people, men and women, do this, because they're afraid of strong colors. Let them have their girly bathroom. The average woman spends upwards of three full minutes on that throne; the average man needs no more than 70 seconds. They spend longer in there. And most men prefer showers to baths; you can't see anything in the shower, so who cares? But when it comes to the living room, suggest a deep blue or green. Blues and greens are comforting colors, and they make a damn fine room, suitable for both sexes. Furniture with reds in it can go well with this if there are other colors aside from red in it. Pure red is TOO bachelor-pad. Before you know it, you've managed to entirely prevent the feminization of the common living space without anyone being hurt by it. Hooray!
Being there for her. Of course, I've always been very sensitive to the feelings of those around me, so this was second nature for me, but trust me on this one. You're the man. She's always been told men are solid rocks to lean on. So be the rock when she needs it. If she's crying, offer a hug. Simple friendly human contact does worlds for sadness. Ask if she wants to talk about it. But if she does, then shut the hell up. "Talk" means "listen" with a sad or hysterical woman. Under NO circumstances should you volunteer advice. If she asks what she should do, then you should look as objectively as possible at the situation. DO NOT tell her to do something; she won't. Instead, break it down. For instance...

"Sarah, what's wrong?"
"It's Jeff. He keeps looking at other girls, and I heard he's cheating on me! And today was my birthday and he forgot, and yesterday he said my ass looked fat."
"That really sucks."
"Oh, I don't know what to do."
"Want my opinion?" (Always confirm this!)
"Yes, please."
"Okay, let's weigh the pros and cons." (Objective analysis, but friendly voice)
"What do you mean?"
"Okay, on the negative, he's an asshole, he doesn't respect you, and he's probably banging some other girl. Now that I've listed that, what positive can you list? What keeps you with him?"
"Well... I love him..."
"Is it worth it?"

Notice that at no point did our hero explicitly tell his friend to break up with the slime ball who doesn't deserve to kiss her boots. If the conversation goes on, he can tell her that he doesn't deserve to kiss her boots, but he must never, ever tell her how to handle the situation. In the extreme, he can list her options (perhaps "Break up, confront him, let it slide, or ask around about it") but the decision must be hers, because this way you are helping her with a problem, not taking control of her life. Women like to control their own lives, and after looking back at, say, women of the 1950s, can you blame them?
Now we come to the difficult part of this issue, dear readers. Women can be stupid. Hell, so can men. But Sarah might keep going out with Jeff until she's a nervous wreck. There's nothing you can do about that. Let her come to her senses eventually and learn from her mistake. DO NOT play the "I told you so" when she finally dumps the jackass. The momentary pride isn't worth the slip in her eyes into assholedom. And yes, you might end up knowing a woman who makes these mistakes over and over. You might even know one who dates jerks constantly, then cries to you and actually SAYS "Why can't I find a guy like you?" This will usually be a friend who you have a crush on, and you'll invariably be single when it happens. Instead of despairing your sad situation in the comedy of life, simply be thankful that you get to enjoy the company of this girl, and that you get free hugs now and then (mmm). When she's not looking, feel free to stare at her ass. Hell, maybe she'll take it as a compliment.
That's another thing. Women like compliments. Honest ones, though. If your woman weighs 400 pounds, don't tell her that her ass looks little in those jeans. She knows it doesn't; she chose them because they're comfy or complimenting, not miracle-working. Tell her she looks pretty today. If you set yourself up as the really close friend, you can be truly honest with her about how you feel. For instance,

"Callista, I love those boots. They make you look hot as hell, especially with that sweater."
"Really? I'm trying to match the pants, I don't think these ones work."
"Well, you could go naked. I don't mind."

Then she laughs and you go back to your book or TV or game or whatever, and you feel damn good about the fact that you just got away with telling a cute chick that she's hot, and SHE feels damn awesome that a guy whose opinion she actually values thinks she's hot. This also shows that you have a relationship based on honesty, and honesty is a hell of a lot easier than the alternative. I'm too damn lazy to weave a web of lies.
Okay, so I'm painting a pretty nice little picture of idyllic life between men and women. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little. What about when something is important to her but you really don't care? There's a couple ways to deal with it. One is dangerous in the long term, the other in the short. Something I learned to do, eventually, was seem like I was listening while completely thinking about something else. I set up a background thought process that recognizes the breaks and pauses in speech and inserts nods or little "I'm listening" noises. The problem is that when you're quizzed later, you'll be light on details; however, if you choose wisely when to do this, it won't matter. She'll probably be repeating herself anyway.
The other strategy is one I don't often employ, because it can wear down that comfortable trust zone. That is, you can look her in the eye and say "Jen, please don't tell me about that. I really don't want to hear it." Remember, honesty is an awesome policy. However, from that moment on, Jen is going to think of you a little differently. She'll see you as less passive, yes, but she'll also think twice before telling you anything at all. She'll think back to that one slightly uncomfortable moment and think, "I really don't want to go through that again."
The trick is to choose moments like this to temper the rest of your relationship. For instance, if it's that girl who's always hanging around at your house and telling you how much her boyfriend sucks and not realizing she should be dating you, then it might be time to say "Tracy, I really don't want to hear about how Steve is in bed." Heck, a little backbone might be what she's looking for. But if it's your daughter, you really don't want to say "Gaz, I couldn't care less about all the little things that happened at school today." No! This is a case where you can zone out, yes, but do not under any circumstances tell her that you don't care.
Chores. Living with women is unique in that they like things to be neat and clean. Granted, everyone likes a clean house, but a house full of guys is too lazy to do any more than the minimum. In a house of women, they expect a little more. Not much, but a little. Basically, you can get away with one to two chores a day. For instance, take out a bag of garbage and do a sink of dishes. Then go back to the game. Just remember to change the garbage bag while you're up, or you'll end up regretting it when you want to score a 3-pointer with that banana peel.
Women are unusual creatures from the male perspective. This is never more obvious than when shopping comes into play. Men are, by and large, very utilitarian shoppers. We go in, get what we want, and get out. We do a lot of things this way; we're very businesslike and don't waste time. Conversely, women never consider shopping time as "wasted". They seem to love looking around at things, dreaming, hoping, planning, looking for deals, whatever. Don't try to understand this. Hell, don't try to understand any of it. Just accept it.
So how do you endure this? There are always a couple solutions. With my mom, I'd always pull aside into a computer store to browse after she'd done her shoe store thing. I'd calmly explain that I had to do my shopping time just like she did. This can accomplish a few things. It can illustrate how tedious waiting on a shopper can be to the other party. It can also help you by refreshing your mind (since the tedium of shoes has probably got you blah-ing). It also helps give you perspective on why she wanted to spend 45 minutes looking at heels and pumps. I mean, look at all the new releases on PC this month!
As for the shopping time itself, be honest. Explain to her that you find shoes (or whatever it is) uninteresting and request that she keep it to a fairly short visit if possible. Let her know that while you love spending time with her, there are other things you'd rather be doing together that would be more engaging for both of you, perhaps going for a walk or taking in a movie. Also let her know that you're okay being patient while she shops (come on, she has to do it sometime, right?) as long as she doesn't mind you zoning out or reading a book. If it's a really long trip, perhaps split up and meet somewhere later, although I've always preferred sticking together. It's less stressful for me (I hate malls) and it shows that you're patient and on some level interested.
Give and take. That's what it's all about. You have to concede some points, and stand on others. A good relationship of any kind must be built on a foundation of trust and communication. Otherwise, you get one party calling all the shots and the other feeling dejected and less valued. The best advice I can give is to communicate; if someone isn't willing to share thoughts and ideas, then they will doom a relationship to failure. And remember, when you achieve that peace, it'll all pay off.
Good luck and Godspeed to you. We few, we merry few. We band of buggered.

~Spike, Phaedre-Hime no Ninja
May 2004
http://www.geocities.com/jamesreinsch/