Im not sure how recent this forum is, but anyways

I've been writing an evangelion fanfiction story for quite some time, and was hoping for some advice. I'm fairly new to writing, so I'm not sure as to how its been going. Anyways, my main goal in the story is to develop the character of Rei Ayanami, and attempt to give her humanity via an inserted character. I, like many others, feel she was treated unfairly as a character in the series and did not meet her potential. I believe that if Rei had been able to exist longer after defying Gendo, she would struggle to find her humanity. This struggle is a crucial idea in the evangelion saga. Also, it is my firm belief that third impact in the end of evangelion was not neccesary. I do hold the highest respect for Hideaki Anno, and think his works are a huge accomplishment. However, I think the goals of the story could have ben achieved in a different manner. Now of course there can be alot of interpretation as to the goal and message of the series, but bear with me. (ya im getting sidetracked, but i think the topic makes for an excellent discussion) Evangelion seemed to try to send the message that happiness cannot exist without pain. Thus the 'false heaven' (Strike Fiss) that shinji found felt very wrong. In order to prove this, many of the characters had deep struggles in their lives (mainly shinji's) and felt that third impact was the only way to overcome that. However I think Shinji experiancing third impact, and coming back to live on a barren destroyed world is not neccasary. Anyways, (yes back on track now) I hope to tell a story true to these original goals, but having the lessons be taught in a different way. Anyways, if anyone gives the ok, ill post my work so far. But in the meantime, heres the rough outline of the story. An extreme rise in anti-nerve terrorism occurs due to the huge budget. This threat increses so mcuh so that the commander feels the pilots need a guardian in case attempts on the pilots lives are made. However, the pilots might be easily identified with huge section 2 agents following them, so they find an alternative. And yes, you guessed it, a boy named John Rose happens to be trained in cqb tactics etc, and is hired for the job. This insert character, unlike many, is not an eva pilot. He is almost a sort of body guard (much to Asuka's horror). He does have a job with Nerv's armament quiptment buildings, so he is present at the command center during combat. I hope t have him show rei that she has a right to exist etc. As for the setting, I think ill try a post-seele failed attempt at third impact thing. More angels? Somthing like that, we'll see. Anyways, if anyone took the time ro read this, thank you. I tend to be a little long winded.

Thank you for your time, Ill be sure to post what i have so far if anyone is interested.

-Chris Rosenberg

PS: Yes im sorry for the spelling errors, no spell check here

Hm, interesting. I do agree with you that NGE's ending is terribly bleak and something an insult to the viewers, but I digress.

On the character of John Rose, it sounds like a case of The Bodyguard Syndrome: Rei (Whitney Houston) finds love with the man assigned to protect her, John (Kevin Costner). I think there might be another way to introduce this new character.

The Children are pretty much defenseless outside of their Evas, right? But in the manga version, Asuka is first met at an arcade (instead of on the aircraft carrier), where she promptly beats the tar out of some thugs. A fiery tempered bitch she may be, Asuka is still a skinny little girl, so someone had to teach her how to fight. How about if this John Rose is a 20-something martial arts instructor? He can be brought in from Germany to teach the Children self-defense for situations where they can't be protected by NERV agents. This also has the added bonus of improving their hand-to-hand combat skills while piloting the Eva.

Martial arts is just as much about mental conditioning as physical training. Perhaps it is this discipline of thought and understanding of spirit that helps Rei's personality develop. She can still have a mentor/pupil relationship with John. It would create a conflict between Rei and Asuka (the latter feeling Wonder Girl is stealing her friends) as well as John and Gendo (who fears the former is corrupting his tool).

...That sounds a lot like Fiss' Kaoru, doesn't it?

Also, John can play the part of someone who sides with the Children's needs. Misato is their guardian, but she's still a soldier of NERV and has to do what she's ordered to. As an outside contractor, John would not be subject to orders in the same way. When the whole jumble of Gendo's plan and Seele's plot and the UN's interests start to unravel, John becomes one of the few people who has the Children's best interest in mind.

What do you think? Better? Worse?

(I like the idea of a failed Third Impact, by the way.)

If you're going to go with the Martial Arts instructor, I would suggest making John very indifferent and bored at being there. Basically, at first, he's only there for the pay-cheque. Doesn't care about the Evas and basically just wants to do this job and go home. Asuka will of course piss him off...she'll be too big-headed and say her skills are already very good and find every excuse to call him an amature or something. ^_^ Shinji, he may want to eventually help, but only because he finds him so weak (regardless of what he's doing, Shinji is kinda wimpy-lookin). Rei, you'll have to be careful not to just launch into a "Oh, she's so mysterious, I will try to get to know her!" mode. I would suggest Rei does something that surprises him on a professional level, and then once more on a personal level. After that, he may find his job more interesting and you can develop it from there.

Thank you for your suggestions.

The idea of a martial arts instructor is very original, and I'm putting some consideration into it. There is a kind of snag though. I was thinking of having the plot develop to seele assasins etc. If the eva pilots were eliminated, seele could replace them with pilots of their own, gaining them power. Also, i was thinking of anti nerve terrorism as in originized attacks involving fire-arms. I don't really watch too many movies, and im not quite sure who kevin costner is. I appriciate your consideration, but i doubt ill be writing anything cliche if thats what you mean. I may have not quite been very descriptive of john character in my first post. John and his family survived second impact for a short time, but as you know the years following were never described. I was planing describing terrible wars and mass chaos breaking out, in which his family was killed. John was left to wander the ruins for quite some time, and was eventually found by a soldier (i think SSDF) who took him in and raised him as best as possible. I need john to have some ties with nerve other than the pilots, so i was thinking of having him be a prodigy in the field of fire-arms. A little lame yes, but i think if written and orginized correctly it could be dont. There was only ever one confirmed kill by an eva fire arm alone, so obviously there is room for improvement. Rose could work on scematics etc. As for his personality, I think of him as quiet and reserved. When Misato first arrives at the airport to greet him, she has alot of things she has planned to say. However, when she first sees him there is somthing that holds her silent etc. (ill have to write it out, but it's made obvious to misato that John has deep stuggles) Now, as to how he connects to rei, that sort of reflects alot of my beliefs and values, so i'll try to make it short. As i said, my goal is to show that third impact is not necessary (arg i can't spell), which basicaly means I want to prove that humanity has value. My story will hopefuly reflect that even with original sin, and the terrible fear and hatred that sometimes arises, humanity has created more than enough beauty to deserve existence as it is. So basically, John is a humanist like myself. Although he keeps his opinions very much to himself, he has strong faith in humanity. How does this relate to Rei? Well, when third impact fails, her purpose is lost (3rd impact fails before she has a chance to defy gendo). Now she is in turmoil as to why she exists here. Without purpose, she starts to believe that she has no right to exist, and she has a false soul. Hopefully John will be able to convince her that she has a true soul (i wont go into it right now ) and that she has a right to exist. I don't plan to play the "wow she's mysterious" card (thank you though for reminding me) but rather Rei gives somthing to John as well; acceptance. I'm not quite sure when or exatly how the scene will take place, but John may end up taking a life to protect the pilots. He feels remorse as he always does after such a thing, and finds himself alone with rei after the event. He says somthing, im not quite sur what, but it will be to the extent of "what gives me the right to do this?" Rei replies simply with somthing to the effect of "It was neccasary" John is suprised at the speed in which she reassures him (not reassure as she said this knowingly to help him). This can spark John's connection to Rei. As to Rei's connection to John, thats a bit more difficult. As I said, Rei is very lost without her purpose, and I think I have the beginnings of a scene in my mind. Rei is walking the deserted coridoors of nerve, and finds herself at the site of Rei I's death. She is overwhelmed with memories and questions, which bring back the feeling of her not belonging. Ayanami-sama (sorry just had to do it) eventually becomes so overwhelmed that she finds herself huddled against the wall crying. (keep in mind this would be written as a full scene and not sound quite as stupid). John eventually finds her and stands over her. He doesnt make any move to "comfort" her, but waits patiently untill she looks up at him. He eventually gives her a hand up and they walk away from the deserted section of nerve. Not a word is spoken untill he brings her to the lounge for her to rest. (arg i gotta make myself stop describing i could keep going for a while) and eventually they speak. I wont let myself go into it. Anyways, that is how I was originally planning to have things play out. No bodyguard syndrome (i hope) and no mystery girl ideas. I plan to give the character quite alot of depth, it's just rather difficult to explain without actually writing in full. Once again, than you for your ideas, im still glad you brought potential problems to my attention. I would appriciate any further comments you might have, i'll most likely post some of the first scenes in a couple of days.


Thank you for your time,
Chris Rosenberg

Oh i forgot a little information. I plan on developing a nerve civil war almost. Im not sure if i'll actually do this. If i do it would involve 'lower' ranking personel (misato, kaji, perhaps ritsuko) revolting against gendo and his plans (he is still engineering third impact) John may be called on to defend the pilots from nerve itself (well that is if he's a guardian and not a martial arts instructor)

Now that could be interesting....

Dream sequence...


"Over ride the positron rifle safety locks." Gendo called from on high as both units One and Tow pulled out of their restraints.
"But Sir, their's no one holding it." Cried Ritsuko
Just put it on the No. 36 launch track."
"...Yes sir."

"Unit one has breached the second layer, command centre inner wall failing." cried a tech.
"The major as claimed the third arterial Sir, where cut off." Akagi whispered into her reluctant lover's ear.

"... three." he whispered. "two... one... Fire the cannon."

Fifty meters over and one and a half k's down the total output of the toki regions power for the last 27 seconds was thrown forward. It ploughed thought steel and earth to strike the unprepared unit one high on the left thigh. The beam of iridescent light shot out of it's left shoulder to continue it's journey to the surface.

Silence descended.

Then the screaming began.


End dreaming.



Yes, very interesting.

[/i]

My Mary-Sue Sense is tingling...

Let's see... so we basically have a uber kid here trained in military and martial arts, with a tragic past and gets to make Rei suddenly open up? (something Shinji is usually the one doing, when he's not whining or pinning over Asuka) And who, from the sound of it, will become the center of the story?

Oh yeah, my Mary-Sue Sense is SOOO tingling...

Sorry if that sounds negative, but it simply sounds like yet another new kid comes in (they don't always need to be in EVAs, though they usually do), gets the author's favorite girl (or often more) becomes the star of the story and saves the world.

...

...

...

Well, at least he isn't piloting a new super model of EVA, I suppose.

In all honesty, not sure what the overall reaction would be to this. I know already mine is wary and I'll be probing with a stick before reading if I ever come across it.

In any case, I do have two constructive comments.

1- Please use paragraphs! In your writing and if possible, in future posts as well. This was one big chunk to chew up.

2- It's NERV, not nerve. Oh, and if you go with the inner conflict idea, do put more depth in Gendo than making him simply some evil bad guy. A lot of people make that mistake...

And while I'd personally suggest perhaps returning to the drawing board with the idea, don't give up

(BTW, is that name, John Rose, inspired by the concept name for Asuka for the EVA live movie, Kate Rose? *shivers*)

Not really sure what mary sue is....and wasnt exactly planning on having the world be saved, but thats ok. And no, I hadnt heard any names from the live action movie *double shiver* Gendo is one of my favorite characters, so i've given alot of consideration to his character. Actually...I wasnt sure if I was going to develop John's connection to Rei into anything romantic. I understand my "john in a nutshell" description probly made the character seem very corny...I suppose i can only really give u a feel for him through writing a complete story.

I understand that in evangelion fanfics, there are alot of stories that lack any depth, so I don't mind your scrutiny. And in reguards to Rei suddenly "opening up", that isn't quite what i had in mind. Ive seen several strories where after a few chapters, Rei is suddenly acting normal. In my own opinion, after Rei's past as a tool, she could never simply act normal again. I was thinking more in terms of acceptance. Also, her finding a purpose in life without gendo's plan. Once again I think i'd have to explain via an entire story.

Thanx for the correction about nerve vs NERV as well as warning about paragraphs i guess.